


i've been drinking, pour me a glass

by mass_hipgnosis



Series: websterverse [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Companionable Snark, F/M, Flirting, IronTaser - Freeform, Meet-Cute, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1752845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mass_hipgnosis/pseuds/mass_hipgnosis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony goes in search of junk food, and finds a stranger who (apparently) lives in Avengers Tower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've been drinking, pour me a glass

When Tony stumbled into the Tower's communal kitchen at eleven in the morning on a quest for Twinkies there was a brunette already in there working away on a laptop (piece of shit DELL, he was tempted to chuck it out the window) and taking sips from a cup of coffee the size of her head.

“Nice ass,” she said with a smirk, and Tony looked down to see that he was not wearing pants. Huh.

“Nice rack,” he said, not to be outdone, then turned back to rummage through the cupboards.

“You know, not being drunk, I could probably help if you tell me what you're looking for.”

“Twinkies.”

“Dude, you are SOL, Hostess went belly up and stopped making them last year. I thought Jane was gonna cry.”

“But. I need them.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth Tony fully expected her to laugh at him.

She sighed sympathetically. “I feel you, dude. They don't make Orbitz anymore either, and no matter what anyone tells you, bubble tea is not the fucking same.”

“I miss Pop Tarts Crunch.”

“Pop Tarts what?”

“Cereal.”

“Pop Tarts made a _cereal?_ When was this? Where was I?”

He squinted at her. She totally looked like jailbait. “It was the mid-nineties, you were probably eating paste.”

“First of all, fuck you, I never ate paste, and _why_ would you tell me that? Now I can only pine for something I will never experience!” She sighed. “I miss Apple Newtons.”

“The Arch Deluxe.”

“Soda-licious gummies.”

“Bar Nones.”

“Purple ketchup and blue mayonnaise.”

“Sprite Remix.”

“Okay, we need to stop, we're just depressing ourselves.”

Tony grunted in agreement and returned to ransacking the kitchen. “Why is there no junk food? Why is my kitchen full of _vegetables?!”_

Mystery Girl snorted. “Dude, Thor lives here. I love the guy, but if you want junk you actually get to eat, you have to cleverly conceal it. Come on.”

She led him over to one of the media room shelves and pulled a stack of DVDs off it-terrible romcoms that no one in their right mind would ever watch. She opened the top case to reveal a hollow that went all the way through the stack, and she pulled out two Snickers bars and a can of Pringles, presenting them to him with a flourish.

“That was amazing, you're amazing,” Tony said in complete sincerity, accepting the bounty and heading back up to his penthouse before anyone else saw and expected him to share.

“Remember to hydrate, drunkie!” Hot Mystery Brunette Who Apparently Lives Here called behind him.

* * * * *

“Pepper. Pepper, there is a strange girl living in the Tower.”

“Excuse me? Tony, it's after midnight!”

“Yeah, well, I was drinking all morning and then I passed out; I just woke up,” Tony replied blithely. “I was in the kitchen, there was a girl, she fed me junk food. And then I had more vodka. Or possibly scotch.”

“Tony, really? I thought you at least knew not to take candy from strangers. Why didn't you ask JARVIS who she was?” 

“Oh. Yeah, that's a good idea, why didn't I think of that? I must still be a little drunk,” Tony said. “Pepper, is it true there are no more Twinkies? It's so terrible it can't be true.”

She sighed. “I'm not even going to _ask._ Hostess went Chapter Eleven almost a year ago, Tony. Is that all?”

It was, so he hung up. “J, who was that girl in the kitchen this morning?”

_“Miss Darcy Lewis, Doctor Foster's assistant.”_

An assistant who, instead of chastising you for being drunk and pantsless at eleven a.m. on a Tuesday, leered at your ass and fed you junk food? Where did he sign?

“JARVIS, you have to help me. We have to steal her from Foster. Does she have an SI email address?”

_“Yes.”_

He shot off a quick e-mail.

_From: a.stark@stark.net_  
 _To: d.lewis@stark.net_  
 _RE: Come to the dark side. We have cookies._

_Foster can't be paying you that much, I've seen her equipment and your POS laptop. Name your price. Seriously, what will it take?_

He didn't get a reply.

The next day, after a truly mind-numbing meeting with the buttmonkeys that apparently passed for engineers in SI New York's R&D, he went down to his shop...only to find a footed cake plate with a glass dome on his work bench. It contained tiny golden fingers of delicious impossibility. The bright pink post-it note on the front read:

_Come to the Darcy side. We have Twinkies. :D_

* * * * *

“JARVIS?” he asked after he had already eaten most of them. “Where did she get Twinkies? Am I eating nasty old eBay Twinkies?”

_“She baked them this morning, sir.”_

_She bakes?_ “Call up the video.”

It started with her on the barstool at the kitchen counter, working and drinking coffee. She got up, rummaged in the cupboards, sat back down. Worked for fifteen minutes, got up, rummaged, sat back down. Banged on keys in an irritated way. “Dammit Stark,” she muttered, getting up again. “I didn't even miss them until you opened your mouth. JARVIS, babe, do we have an eclair pan?” She rummaged through the kitchen in a whirl, but this time with purpose; she was making a shopping list.

_“I can have the necessary items delivered, Miss Darcy.”_

“You're the best, J. If you were corporeal I would _so_ make out with you right now.”

The video jumped to Lewis taking a tray out of the oven, a smear of cake batter on her shirt. With various trips back to the laptop (presumably for instructions) she poked holes in the bottoms and then piped them full of frosting. She took a bite of one, let out a truly pornographic moan. “Oh yeah, that's the stuff. JARVIS, is Jane still in her lab?”

_“Yes, Miss Darcy.”_

“How many hours does that make, now?”

_“Thirty-seven and counting,”_ JARVIS replied, sounding disapproving.

“I know she hasn't eaten, because it's _Jane,_ but has she slept _at all_ since she threw a science tantrum and kicked me out?”

_“An hour at her desk, before she stumbled to the couch and slept another four.”_

“What about Banner?”

_“Doctor Banner slept last night, woke at six this morning, meditated for two hours, ate a bowl of cereal, and has been working in his lab since. He did not eat lunch.”_

“Stark?”

_“Sir is in a meeting at Stark Industries. He will return later this afternoon. He raided the minibar in the limo on the way uptown and has resolved to keep it well stocked in defense against Prince Thor's snack predations.”_

“In other words, he had junk food and possibly booze for breakfast. Man, supergeniusies. So book-smart, yet so life-stupid.”

She then proceeded to make avocado BLTs (with veggie bacon, for Bruce) and broke out the juicer to use up a lot of the produce Tony had despaired of finding in his kitchen.

She tackled Bruce first.

“Hey Doctor B! Seeing as, out of all the people in this tower, you bear the most resemblance to a functioning responsible adult, I should not have to bribe or nag you into eating. Right? You just probably forgot, because SCIENCE!”

He looked up from his microscope and blinked at her a couple of times. “Miss Lewis. You brought me lunch?”

“BLTs with veggie bacon, fresh-out-of-the-juicer juice, and dessert!”

“That was very kind of you.”

She snorted. “Kind, nothing. Jane thinks you walk on water, you're leverage. If you managed to take time out from sciencing to eat, she has one less excuse.”

Sure enough, Bruce kept his Responsible Adult crown by eating his lunch and drinking his juice and even politely offering to share the Twinkies. Then Tony watched in a kind of awe as Lewis nagged, bribed, threatened, guilted, cajoled and strong-armed Foster into eating the food, drinking the juice, and taking a shower, before rewarding her with twinkies and coffee.

Foster, in turn, apologised for her moodiness and handed Lewis another stack of grant proposals and SHIELD paperwork to process, before (politely) kicking her out again.

Instead of going back to her setup in the kitchen, she made a Twinkie delivery to Tony's workshop. JARVIS let her in without a single protest, and they were going to have _words_ about that later. She snooped on his workbench, played fetch with DUM-E and Butterfingers, took a selfie with You, and finally booked it out of there and back upstairs to her paperwork when JARVIS warned her that Tony was back.

So she was not intimidated by him, nosy, manipulative, foul-mouthed, smart-assed and stacked. And JARVIS liked her. And the bots liked her. He sighed and took a bite out of the second-to-last-Twinkie. _And_ she baked. “Perfect.”


End file.
